Frozen Forever

Right now it is 0200 and I am freaking shattered but am unable to sleep at all. It's so frustrating. Over the past two days it's been exactly like this. Feeling dead and exhausted but, at the same time, alive and full of energy. Well, more than anything it is confusing. I just want to sleep. OK; I need to sleep! Like, now! I keep trying to hypnotise myself to sleep by clicking my fingers after saying 'when a click my fingers you will fall asleep' all mysterious-like but, alas, it hasn't worked. Huh. I must admit, my dreams feel real too; as if it's possible to touch it, feel the emotion. I dreamt I was being bullied and it felt so real. Everything. Last night just before I fell asleep I could swear that I even heard a scream - it sounded more like it was from a male though. Let's all pray that this will stop and I can get some S-word!! (Sleep, that is - if you didn't guess...). Nothing to worry about.

Do I always have to feel this way all the time? The sands of time are running but never stop. The feelings they spit at me is constant and I hate it. I always end up being pushed to the sidelines. And I do not matter at all. At least in a years time I'll be free. I won't need to pull myself along all the time - persuading myself that things will be easier, better. But a year seems like a long time away. Too long. Within that year, what I wonder will I have accomplished? Where will life take me. Hopefully, far away from here. Far away from those who hang at my throat by their sharp claws, scratching to see the blood. The blood crawling from my neck. Please someone take me away. Or at least make it bearable. Make it easier so that I don't have to hide. Send me an angel. Anything. Anything at all. I just want to be set free. I don't want to be the target of their disgust anymore. I don't want to be the target of their refusal, their ignorance, their sneers and laughter. I promise I've tried to do things right but, tell me now, what have I done to deserve this? I work hard constantly. I'm a good student. Oh, but is that possibly it? Is it that I'm better than them that they hate? Pfft. Probably not. I mean, what do I have that anyone could possibly envy? What? Well, honestly, I don't need them. Or their contact. I can thrive alone. On my own. Just me. Forgotten and twisted. Is that what I am to them? They probably believe the rumours. Well, that's all yesterdays news. I'm hoping they'll forget everything over the summer because more than likely I won't.

Hello again! I haven't posted for a while so i thought that i would now. It's the summer holidays and i can finally take a breather because i don't have to worry about school or grades or anything for at least another five weeks. I haven't done that much and i don't plan to either. I might go to a nearby city to shop with my friends but that's the limit. I also might go to the cinema again to see Eclipse. Again. Well... c'mon... i have to occupy myself somehow. I'm going to Turkey in about three weeks so i'm looking forward to that too. Hope that you all have a good summer holiday.

OK. It's saturday night and I'm supposed to be doing something. I was invited out to this stupid 'girly night' but there is no way that they are going to drag me to that. I'm not wasting time making cards, plastic jewellery or whatever.
I went shopping today with my mum and it sort of sucked. she kept making arguments out of nothing. again. also, people in town do my head in. not only do they completely ignore your presence and just practically run into you, in your own line of walking but they make-out practically right in your face as i to say 'hahaha you're single and we're not. loser'.
Also, i hate those people who seem to be walking around town aimlessly and then they suddenly catch your eye and try to offer you a credit card that you dont need or free tickets to a club or free coupons for milkshakes or something. This guy once even offered me his CD'S that were apprently 'free' when i started talking to him but then he suddenly shot 'just give me a tenner' and i ran a mile.
OK so i need to finish some homework and i cant be asked. P.E. is so pointless. I mean, how can you study it? It's something you need to do practically. y'know, actually moving. Ermm... why did you pick it anyway...
hnn... dunno.
Also, when i go back to school, i'll need to start/finish loads of coursework. hahaha. I sooo failed.

-Emily

OK, well, i know it's late but i just have to type something today.
My head hurts so much. But I'm gonna try to type regardless.
Answer this: why is it that the guy that you love so much will never even glance sideways at you but the guy that really loves you from the bottom of his heart, you wouldnt even touch?
Why? I hate the way that things (i.e. relationships, love... etc...) never work for me. It's like i've failed at every single love.
But, what does love actually mean? If you slapped a definition on it, it wouldn't be sponteanous or fulfilling anymore. But it wouldn't have it's imperfections either.
Mind you, with some of the guys that I have liked well... thats what it's been. Just liking. Never loving. It's always infatuation with me. never anything else.
will there ever be a guy that will love me and I love him? Will their ever be a guy that loves me for who I am and not just what I am?

It is so hard to resist the temptation sometimes. It can tear you apart until you bleed. Internally. You cry out in an unbearable pain and it hurts. Above your left eye brow there is a seering pain that reminds you of all the things you should do but haven't got round to it.it hurts knowing that. Knowing that maybe for the rest of your life you will have to deal with people who think they can play with your feelings all the time. Yes I'm refering to you J. Why won't you talk tó me? After I helped you all those times.

It's wednesday and i haven't got much planned today I'm just gonna go to school and stuff. not so fun or exciting. I have PSHE first whic is totally a waste of time and i hate it. I keep wondering what would have happened if i went to college instead. Everything would have turned out so different. But, i didn't. and Here I am. at least I've done my exams now and i can relax for a while. Going into town monday was great and to be honest, it was the only think i was actually looking forward to this week. I can't wait until the weekend!! Oh, by the way, do you like the necklace? Very cute, huh? I found it on eBay. It's a celtic moon necklace that sugnifies the waxing and waning of the moon! ((:

My name is Emily. This will be where I will post all my feelings and thoughts about the world. I would deeply appreciate any of your comments also. Emily is not my REAL name if you are wondering. I want to protect my identity but I bet some will figure it out anyway.
Please keep returning to read my posts. It will mean so much to me. This blog wasn't actually intended for people to read however, (not that I am trying to get you from reading, of course you may!) I just want to be able to express my deepest feelings. nothing more. Sometimes, it feels to me that I cannot properly explain how I feel. Even if it is only for a few minutes online everyday or every couple of days. Even if nobody ever reads. I just want the emotional release. I want everything to be open now.
I'll give you some information on me: I live in England, I am very much a self-contained introvert but I'm not shy enough to not express my feelings to anyone. I'm very much an open person - which causes me some problems most of the time. (my insensitivity is infamously well-known by the girls at my school...)
But I'm a kind hearted, friendly and childish person who loves teddy bears and collecting candles.
I'm very unique and quite eccentric in the way that I have cute behaviours. (E.G. I come home from school and instantaneously put my PJ's on!)
I love the winter but I love the autumnal season better because the colours of the leaves falling to the ground from the trees looks amazing. It really relaxes me.
I study Psychology, sport, English literature and Drama and Theatre as A level qualifications. I want to go to university to study either radiography or Psychology in two years. (I can't decide which one...)