Frozen Forever

It seems like such a long time since I have posted and i'm sorry for that. The past year has been so busy. Crazily busy. It hasn't been easy. In fact, the opposite. But finally i'm out. I never have to return to that prison i called school. I'm fortunate I came out with ok-ish grades, too. AAD. I also got into University. Somehow. In February I start a Nursing degree at UCS. I'm nervous because i'm afraid I won't enjoy it or i'll have similar problems and difficulties i had in Sixth Form. But hopefully, because i'm only staying at home, I won't have to socialise with them too much. In all honesty i'm just looking forward to studying, trying something new and preparing for my life long career. Until then i'm in my gap year. I'll just be working, sorting out finances and other issues in preparation for University and perhaps volunteering. I also have a few plans for the next year. I'm going on vacation at the start of October and i'm going to see JLS at the end of March. So lets hope it all goes well! I'm looking to just relax and enjoy myself after a very difficult year of A levels.

Right now it is 0200 and I am freaking shattered but am unable to sleep at all. It's so frustrating. Over the past two days it's been exactly like this. Feeling dead and exhausted but, at the same time, alive and full of energy. Well, more than anything it is confusing. I just want to sleep. OK; I need to sleep! Like, now! I keep trying to hypnotise myself to sleep by clicking my fingers after saying 'when a click my fingers you will fall asleep' all mysterious-like but, alas, it hasn't worked. Huh. I must admit, my dreams feel real too; as if it's possible to touch it, feel the emotion. I dreamt I was being bullied and it felt so real. Everything. Last night just before I fell asleep I could swear that I even heard a scream - it sounded more like it was from a male though. Let's all pray that this will stop and I can get some S-word!! (Sleep, that is - if you didn't guess...). Nothing to worry about.

Do I always have to feel this way all the time? The sands of time are running but never stop. The feelings they spit at me is constant and I hate it. I always end up being pushed to the sidelines. And I do not matter at all. At least in a years time I'll be free. I won't need to pull myself along all the time - persuading myself that things will be easier, better. But a year seems like a long time away. Too long. Within that year, what I wonder will I have accomplished? Where will life take me. Hopefully, far away from here. Far away from those who hang at my throat by their sharp claws, scratching to see the blood. The blood crawling from my neck. Please someone take me away. Or at least make it bearable. Make it easier so that I don't have to hide. Send me an angel. Anything. Anything at all. I just want to be set free. I don't want to be the target of their disgust anymore. I don't want to be the target of their refusal, their ignorance, their sneers and laughter. I promise I've tried to do things right but, tell me now, what have I done to deserve this? I work hard constantly. I'm a good student. Oh, but is that possibly it? Is it that I'm better than them that they hate? Pfft. Probably not. I mean, what do I have that anyone could possibly envy? What? Well, honestly, I don't need them. Or their contact. I can thrive alone. On my own. Just me. Forgotten and twisted. Is that what I am to them? They probably believe the rumours. Well, that's all yesterdays news. I'm hoping they'll forget everything over the summer because more than likely I won't.

Hello again! I haven't posted for a while so i thought that i would now. It's the summer holidays and i can finally take a breather because i don't have to worry about school or grades or anything for at least another five weeks. I haven't done that much and i don't plan to either. I might go to a nearby city to shop with my friends but that's the limit. I also might go to the cinema again to see Eclipse. Again. Well... c'mon... i have to occupy myself somehow. I'm going to Turkey in about three weeks so i'm looking forward to that too. Hope that you all have a good summer holiday.

OK. It's saturday night and I'm supposed to be doing something. I was invited out to this stupid 'girly night' but there is no way that they are going to drag me to that. I'm not wasting time making cards, plastic jewellery or whatever.
I went shopping today with my mum and it sort of sucked. she kept making arguments out of nothing. again. also, people in town do my head in. not only do they completely ignore your presence and just practically run into you, in your own line of walking but they make-out practically right in your face as i to say 'hahaha you're single and we're not. loser'.
Also, i hate those people who seem to be walking around town aimlessly and then they suddenly catch your eye and try to offer you a credit card that you dont need or free tickets to a club or free coupons for milkshakes or something. This guy once even offered me his CD'S that were apprently 'free' when i started talking to him but then he suddenly shot 'just give me a tenner' and i ran a mile.
OK so i need to finish some homework and i cant be asked. P.E. is so pointless. I mean, how can you study it? It's something you need to do practically. y'know, actually moving. Ermm... why did you pick it anyway...
hnn... dunno.
Also, when i go back to school, i'll need to start/finish loads of coursework. hahaha. I sooo failed.

-Emily

OK, well, i know it's late but i just have to type something today.
My head hurts so much. But I'm gonna try to type regardless.
Answer this: why is it that the guy that you love so much will never even glance sideways at you but the guy that really loves you from the bottom of his heart, you wouldnt even touch?
Why? I hate the way that things (i.e. relationships, love... etc...) never work for me. It's like i've failed at every single love.
But, what does love actually mean? If you slapped a definition on it, it wouldn't be sponteanous or fulfilling anymore. But it wouldn't have it's imperfections either.
Mind you, with some of the guys that I have liked well... thats what it's been. Just liking. Never loving. It's always infatuation with me. never anything else.
will there ever be a guy that will love me and I love him? Will their ever be a guy that loves me for who I am and not just what I am?

It is so hard to resist the temptation sometimes. It can tear you apart until you bleed. Internally. You cry out in an unbearable pain and it hurts. Above your left eye brow there is a seering pain that reminds you of all the things you should do but haven't got round to it.it hurts knowing that. Knowing that maybe for the rest of your life you will have to deal with people who think they can play with your feelings all the time. Yes I'm refering to you J. Why won't you talk tó me? After I helped you all those times.