Frozen Forever

I scream through the glass, but you ignore me.
You continue to laugh and whisper and kill,
even though I'm pounding on this glass.

I remember holding you tight, to
Keep the nightmares at bay. I'd keep
Telling you that everything was alright. Strange how I can't tell
Myself that. Because
Anything that I do or say you seem to disapprove of.
But with every single syllable you utter,
You force the knife deeper.

I stand in isolation.
Can't you see what happens when you leave me to
Stand alone?
To live without your love is impossible. Because I fear one day I'll
Lose
You. Forever.

With every glare and every whisper,
you twist the knife further.
I wince at the pain,
hurt is all you seem do.

Without me,
You don't seem to change. Without you
I don't know where I stand. I
Vanish.

I have all these thoughts whirling around in my head but I don't even know where the hell to start.
Why the hell did i trust you?
Why should I even bother at all?
What the heck did I do to deserve this?
So you befriend me one minute and reject me the next?
While I put everything into protecting you, you were just plotting this betrayal behind my back? What happened to the time when we agreed? What happened to those innocent times when we could talk about anything? What happened to the time when we would trust each other with the darkest secrets we would never utter to another soul?
What happened?
And now, here I stand alone in this empty room, with nothing left.
Sometimes I wonder to myself, do you ever think of me?
Ever?
Maybe I was better off alone from the beginning. At least that way I wouldn't have wasted so much time, so much energy, on something that wouldn't last.
On something as good as dead.

It seems like such a long time since I have posted and i'm sorry for that. The past year has been so busy. Crazily busy. It hasn't been easy. In fact, the opposite. But finally i'm out. I never have to return to that prison i called school. I'm fortunate I came out with ok-ish grades, too. AAD. I also got into University. Somehow. In February I start a Nursing degree at UCS. I'm nervous because i'm afraid I won't enjoy it or i'll have similar problems and difficulties i had in Sixth Form. But hopefully, because i'm only staying at home, I won't have to socialise with them too much. In all honesty i'm just looking forward to studying, trying something new and preparing for my life long career. Until then i'm in my gap year. I'll just be working, sorting out finances and other issues in preparation for University and perhaps volunteering. I also have a few plans for the next year. I'm going on vacation at the start of October and i'm going to see JLS at the end of March. So lets hope it all goes well! I'm looking to just relax and enjoy myself after a very difficult year of A levels.

Right now it is 0200 and I am freaking shattered but am unable to sleep at all. It's so frustrating. Over the past two days it's been exactly like this. Feeling dead and exhausted but, at the same time, alive and full of energy. Well, more than anything it is confusing. I just want to sleep. OK; I need to sleep! Like, now! I keep trying to hypnotise myself to sleep by clicking my fingers after saying 'when a click my fingers you will fall asleep' all mysterious-like but, alas, it hasn't worked. Huh. I must admit, my dreams feel real too; as if it's possible to touch it, feel the emotion. I dreamt I was being bullied and it felt so real. Everything. Last night just before I fell asleep I could swear that I even heard a scream - it sounded more like it was from a male though. Let's all pray that this will stop and I can get some S-word!! (Sleep, that is - if you didn't guess...). Nothing to worry about.

Do I always have to feel this way all the time? The sands of time are running but never stop. The feelings they spit at me is constant and I hate it. I always end up being pushed to the sidelines. And I do not matter at all. At least in a years time I'll be free. I won't need to pull myself along all the time - persuading myself that things will be easier, better. But a year seems like a long time away. Too long. Within that year, what I wonder will I have accomplished? Where will life take me. Hopefully, far away from here. Far away from those who hang at my throat by their sharp claws, scratching to see the blood. The blood crawling from my neck. Please someone take me away. Or at least make it bearable. Make it easier so that I don't have to hide. Send me an angel. Anything. Anything at all. I just want to be set free. I don't want to be the target of their disgust anymore. I don't want to be the target of their refusal, their ignorance, their sneers and laughter. I promise I've tried to do things right but, tell me now, what have I done to deserve this? I work hard constantly. I'm a good student. Oh, but is that possibly it? Is it that I'm better than them that they hate? Pfft. Probably not. I mean, what do I have that anyone could possibly envy? What? Well, honestly, I don't need them. Or their contact. I can thrive alone. On my own. Just me. Forgotten and twisted. Is that what I am to them? They probably believe the rumours. Well, that's all yesterdays news. I'm hoping they'll forget everything over the summer because more than likely I won't.

Hello again! I haven't posted for a while so i thought that i would now. It's the summer holidays and i can finally take a breather because i don't have to worry about school or grades or anything for at least another five weeks. I haven't done that much and i don't plan to either. I might go to a nearby city to shop with my friends but that's the limit. I also might go to the cinema again to see Eclipse. Again. Well... c'mon... i have to occupy myself somehow. I'm going to Turkey in about three weeks so i'm looking forward to that too. Hope that you all have a good summer holiday.