Frozen Forever

Happy new year!

I still see you
In my dreams.
An unyielding soul, you haunt me.

Your ghost even has
those sparkling eyes,
those lips, just there to taunt me.

Bound by these chains,
unable to cut lose
And free myself from this
pain.

Moving forward,
and forgetting the past,
As I try to love again.

These nightmares still exist in your absence,
Without you here to hold me 'til they fade away.
I lie here thinking instead of dreaming,
Until I see the light of day.

Have passed since I first saw your face.

Those little things you did;
They way you seemed so indifferent towards everything,
The way it didn't bother you at all.

And how you kicked me while I was down.
In front of everyone.

The humiliation, The hurt, The agony.
The indescribable look on your face.

But from the pain you caused,
I healed and returned stronger then ever.
Like an invincible warrior,
I fought back.

Stabbing me in the back woulda hurt less compared to this;
The way you lift me up, make me feel worth something,
then drop me and watch me fall.

A blaze of pink,
you held in your hand.

As you turn,
those glittering blue eyes smiling back at me.

Shining lights beam from above,
as cheerful melodies play in every direction.

And even though crowds surround us,
you are the only one in my eye.

Nothing seems to have direction anymore.
Its as if our lives have come to a standstill.
And forever we will be separated by bars and walls.
Nothing matters anymore.
We trusted the wrong people and we did some stupid things.
But we loved as if tomorrow would never come and we kissed and lived life on the edge,
Wanting more, squeezing as much into a day as possible.
Waking up, not knowing what the day would bring.
Living our lives without a care in the world, but with the wind in our hair and smiles on our faces.
Gone.
Was it because of me or you?
Are we both to blame?
Does it matter?

Don't know which way to turn.
Every road leads to a dead end.
This nightmare is never ending.

A rebellious spirit and a lonely heart,
can't always belong together.
Not every shoe will fit.

And so, the curtain falls.
As you keep dreaming.
And so, life goes on around you,
As you keep dreaming.

And you keep dreaming.

Feels like reality is a constant lie.
Taking refuge in these imaginings,
Seems to be my only hope.

Falsely believing they cared,
helps me breathe easy,
And stops the truth from surfacing.

And so, the curtain falls.
As you keep pretending.
And so, life goes on around you,
As you keep pretending.

And you keep pretending.

If only I'd known what I know now,
I'd have listened to what you had said.
And only time can heal this pain,
and the emptiness inside.

And so, the curtain falls.
As you keep believing.
And so, life goes on around you,
As you keep believing.

And you keep believing that things will change.

People.
Bodies.
Everywhere.
Going nowhere.
Talking nonsense.
Doing nothing.
Maybe one familiar face
but the others distant, unknown, faded.
Didn't particularly know where I was headed but, nonetheless,
wishing I were elsewhere.
Leaping out at any old stop,
I joined a crowd of suits pushing
past me.
I stumbled down the muddied steps,
not expecting to see,
a pale blue hoodie walking in front of me.
I held my breath in disbelief,
then your name came out in a choke. 
You turned and my heart skipped a beat.
After all this time, I never thought I'd see your beautiful face again.
But you turned.
And it wasn't you.
It was the face of some randomer.
No, it was my mind tricking me into believing that it was indeed you
and that you're still around,
and that you still care for me
and that you still want me
and that you still love me.
Really, your love was just a dream.
And what we had was just a fantasy of mine.
And I was fooling myself.
Living a lie.

Blackened eyes,
Blackened heart.
Lack of judgement,
False start.

One step forward,
Two steps back.
One small promise,
veering off track.

An open mind,
A curious soul.
A bag of lies,
I knew you stole.

Sideline girls,
Waste of time.
Demanding the truth,
Pretending I'm fine.

Bloodied knuckles,
She's so ashamed.
Caught in the act,
They've now been named.

Four months gone,
She now cries in fear.
Two hearts shatter,
And so, it ends here.

“Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say goodnight till it be morrow”.

A small stumble was all it took
to fall to the ground.
Hopeless, I lie there in silence,
praying to be found.

Crying in agony,
for someone to save me.

Reliving the pain,
again and again.

And out of the darkness you held out your hand,
to help me to stand.
You picked up the pieces I'd left on the floor,
so I'd love once more.

My tears dry when you are here,
There is nothing more to fear.

You'd give me another try,
when most would just wonder why.

Everyday feels like the best day of my life,
when I hold your hand I can't stop the butterflies inside.
All our time together seems to fly by so fast.
I'd risk everything because I know it will last.

At twilight I saw you
sitting at the edge of my bed,
your crystal blue eyes twinkling in the moonlight.

I sat up as you called my name,
And spoke to me,
your voice like the most beautiful lullaby,
like music to my ears.

Crawling towards you,
captivated by your existance,
enchanted by your ways,
I leant in to kiss your soft lips,
the lips I have yearned to kiss for so long in your absence.

But as I reached for you,
you faded, along with your melodic voice,
as the curve of the sun
rose slowly over the horizon.

And now I sit here in torment,
as if a thousand needles were stabbing me in the heart,
And in emptiness,
as no day is worth living
without you.

I had a change of heart.
I admit that I love you.
I had a change of heart.
I've changed all my views.

I had to give up what I had.
It took me 'til now to realise
that I had a change of heart.

I used to smile
when I heard your name.
Then we grew apart,
that was such a shame.

Anyhow, we're here
together again,
and I can count on you
as more then a friend.

I had a change of heart,
my heart told me to run to you.
You're never off my mind.
And I hope that you feel the same as I do.

I had to shout aloud my feelings
I'll never forget that great first meeting.
And I'll tell you now -
I had a change of heart!

It took me a while to figure out
the reason why I've acted this way for so long.
I know it's not your fault
but couldn't you at least care?

I've tried to quit but the guilt keeps flooding back.
I've tried to repent but there's still a reason there in my head.

The reason's shattered
but I'm trying to piece it back together.

Seems like a long time
since I was just like them.
Seems like forever since I truly had fun.
Seems like forever since I had the courage
to stand up tall and present to a large crowd.

And you'll never guess what.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do!
I'm gonna shout ten thousand praises to the heavens.
And that's for sure.
I'll repair that shattered glass.

I try to reach you but these chains keep holding me back.
I try to tell you but these fears keep holding me back.
I try to forget you, but my love for you keeps holding me back.

I sit here in silence,
a whole in my chest, empty and
alone.
Your voice echoes in my head like
the sweetest melody, with the most beautiful rhythm.
Only an hour ago, you held me in your arms and
gave me one last kiss. One that I would remember forever.
And now as I sit slumped on the sofa, reliving all our wonderful memories together,
I close my eyes.
And smile.